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Partner Had An Affair
Dear Gerda:
I have suspected that my partner has been having
an affair for about six months now. I finally
decided to confront him about it and he
confirmed my suspicions. I am devastated and
confused. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
 At
its very least, betrayal of trust can make you
question everything you thought you knew and
believed in. It can shatter your world and land
you in an unreal place leading to what you
describe as confusion. It causes you to question
yourself, your knowledge of the situation, and
your reactions to it. Whatever you do, try not
to deny your feelings. Identify the emotions and
do not feel guilty about them. Self-care at a
time like this is crucial, so be sure to take
care of you. Stress demands a lot of
energy. Eat well-balanced meals, exercise, and
be sure you are adequately hydrated. Most of all
try not to be alone. Connect with friends who
will listen and not judge or give negative
unsolicited advice. If you are part of a church,
spend time there. Do not focus on the details of
the affair, but rather try to gain some
understanding as to the reasons why it happened,
and what it means for you and your relationship.
You did not mention your partner’s reaction to
confessing to the affair. Is he still engaging
in the behavior? Is he remorseful? Is he willing
to do the necessary work to salvage the
relationship? There are also some questions you
need to ask yourself. Do you still love him? Are
you willing to forgive him? Are you willing to
put the time and energy needed into rebuilding
the relationship? Do you feel you played a part
in the breakdown of the relationship, and if so,
what can you do to improve things?
Take time to focus on yourself and what is right
and just for you. Carefully consider your
feelings. Your partner was honest in admitting
to the relationship, which is a ray of light in
this dark situation. Attempt to engage him in
open, honest communication about his motives and
behaviors. Make your feelings and fears known.
In the event both of you are willing to rebuild
the relationship, counseling may be helpful.
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Husband Has Been Having An Affair
Dear Gerda:
I recently found out
that my husband has been having an affair with a
woman at work for over a year. Our relationship
has always seemed good. What went wrong? Is it
possible to save our marriage?
In basic terms, you and
your husband have had a breakdown in
communication. I don’t know at what point this
occurred. There are always some cues that we
miss. He has been living a divided, fragmented
life. If you were observant, or more
specifically, knew what to look for, you may
have noticed many inconsistencies in his
behavior. Was he buying new clothes? Changing
his look? Going to the gym when he never went
before? Making excuses for staying late at work
or not showing up for dinner? Making unusual
purchases?
In
response to your other question, yes, the
relationship can be saved, if in fact one
existed at the start. If he is remorseful and
you have a willingness to forgive, and both of
you are willing to take a ride on the
communication express, your chances are good.
You must both be open and honest, and have a
desire to be committed to each other. Individual
counseling would be helpful for both of you. If
he won’t go, you should consider going alone.
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Partner’s Internet Porn Habit Causing Problems
Dear Gerda:
My partner is constantly looking at porn on the
internet. Our sex life is suffering. We also
fight a lot lately. What can I do short of
leaving him?
You are in the anger stage in grieving the
loss of your relationship, and rightly so. You
are feeling cheated on by your husband and are
competing with The Technology Monster. She has
invaded your home and your relationship, and has
attacked you at the core of the one thing you
held sacred: your sexuality. It can certainly
make you feel undesirable. Looking at garden
variety internet porn where there is no live
interaction is not cheating. It is not real. It
is, however, a deviant behavior that can be a
prelude to cheating and more destructive
behaviors. It is already denying you and your
partner of a shared and wholesome relationship.
The use of internet porn can be a sign of
anxiety, obsessive disorder, or symptoms of
problems in your relationship. The behavior
should be confronted, but in doing so you should
focus on the behavior and its effect on the
relationship. Don’t fall victim to playing the
role of the jealous female. You are not
competing with another woman. Also do not allow
your partner to minimize the problem. It is
his problem. Do not accept any blame or
responsibility for it, but be open to hearing
his reasons. Do not lose yourself in the
situation by monitoring all his internet
activities.
There should be some commitment from your
partner for change. The computer should be moved
from a private place to a shared location. Go to
bed together each night. Develop daily
activities for improving your relationship.
Should he continue the behavior after you have
both discussed it, you should refuse to keep it
a secret and seek professional help.
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Mother-In-Law Is Invasive
Dear Gerda:
My husband and I have been married for almost
two years. The problem is my mother-in-law is
invading our lives. My husband refuses to talk
to her about it, and I am at my wit’s end. What
do you suggest?
The good news is that your marriage is still
very young, therefore the opportunity still
exists for boundaries to be established. It is
the responsibility of both you and your husband
to jointly set the operational boundaries for
your home. It is your husband’s duty to speak to
his mother about the role he would like to see
her play in the family. When you have an
opportunity and you think the time is right (and
your mother-in-law is not the topic of
discussion), make plans together about how and
where the holidays, religious or otherwise, will
be spent. Talk about how you will establish your
family as a unit if or when you have children.
Your husband may not realize that his mother is
interfering and may be enjoying having two women
taking care of him. The difficult thing to
realize is that although her actions may be
upsetting, in her distorted way she believes
that she is protecting and looking out for the
well-being of her son. Your mother-in-law is
always going to be the mother of your husband
and is always going to think that she knows what
is best for him. There are certain factors that
can add to her hands-on involvement. Does she
have a partner? Is he an only child? Was he the
last child or is he the only son?
Apart from setting boundaries it is possible to
neutralize a meddling mother-in-law into an
important helper. The strategy: First make her
feel important. Chances are she needs to feel
vital and wanted. Give her things to do that are
useful, but very time-consuming. If she lives in
close proximity encourage her to take lunch to
her son to ensure proper nutrition. This directs
her efforts at him and he will likely begin to
feel the annoyance. Schedule her to come over
and do things with him during his free
time instead of yours. This includes holidays
and weekends. If she insists on being the best
cook, put her to work on making a family recipe
book. Last but not least try to get to know her,
including her background, interests, fears, and
dreams. Have her preserve items from your
husbands’ childhood to pass onto his children.
She will be busy and flattered to know that her
good work will be carried into history.
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Husband Has Different Values
Dear Gerda:
I have been married for just over a year. It is
becoming obvious to me that my husband and I do
not share many of the same values and ideals I
thought we shared. We do not agree on a long and
growing list of issues. Are we headed for
divorce?
Differences are a part of any healthy
relationship, especially marriage, and your
ability to solve problems will pave the road for
a prosperous marriage. What are the specific
disagreements about? Do they affect your core
values, such as spirituality, sexuality, and
family issues? Look at them carefully one at a
time and try to find resolution for each one. If
they do not affect your core values I would
encourage you to focus on the things you have in
common rather than those you don’t. If they do,
you may need to reconsider the relationship.
Fortunately you are still in the infancy stage
of your marriage. If you are willing to work
together toward growth and development you can
achieve a solid relationship with room for both
disagreement and understanding.
Most couples spend more time preparing for a
wedding than a life together.
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Husband Parented Another Woman’s Child
 Dear Gerda:
My husband had a relationship with a
casual friend of mine while he and I were
engaged. When I found out, I broke our
engagement. After much time and discussion
we got back together and a year later we
were married. We have two children
together (we had one child before we were
married and one after). I recently found out
that the other woman had gotten pregnant by
my husband and had a son. We all agree that
the child should have interaction with his
father. The problem is the child is a
constant reminder of my husband’s
infidelity. It has become so disturbing for
me that I have
separated from my husband and filed for
divorce. Now I feel guilty about the fact
that my children are not living together
with their father. Any help would be
appreciated.
You have had a lot to cope with. It appears
that you are a strong and decisive woman and the
choices you have made have been both bold and
courageous. You are actively practicing selfcare,
making life decisions that support who you are
and how you feel. Guilt brings mixed emotions
and can make us question our judgment and
decisions. Your guilt emanates from the fact
that you are a responsible parent with good
morals and values. Know that your children don’t
have to live with their father to have a father.
The best things you can do for your children are
to promote their father positively to them,
never speak negatively about him, and provide
ample opportunities for him to spend time with
them.
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Sister-In-Law Problems
Dear Gerda:
My sister-in-law is a menace. She lies,
manipulates, and causes unnecessary stress and
problems within the family. What can be done
about her inappropriate behaviors?
The problem lies within the relationships
between you and your husband and your husband
and his sister rather than with the family unit.
You did not focus on any specific problem;
therefore I will speak in general terms. Your
in-laws are a distinct part of your spouse’s
life and will be a part of yours as well. The
first rule is never put your spouse in a
situation where he has to choose between you and
your sister-in-law (or any relative for that
matter). Instead, try to understand the
relationship or lack thereof that your spouse
has with his sister. If possible try to support
this relationship even if she puts your spouse
through emotional hell and severe stress. It is
his sibling. Love him through it and he will
know when he has had enough.
You and your husband together need to establish
boundaries for your relationship and your
immediate family. You also need to decide
together what role your sister-in-law will
play. Set rules for the use of your home, your
money, and your time. Without being inflexible,
uphold your boundary limits. Should your limits
be violated, avoid communicating through a third
party. Do not expect your husband to confront
his sister about things she does that offend or
hurt you. Also do not send messages to her
through him. Talk to your sister-in-law
directly. Your actions should be swift and
direct, focusing only on the issue at hand and
not on other feelings you may be carrying toward
her. Learn to be a good listener when it comes
to your husband and his family. You will find
that many times the best response is to say
nothing. Each of these efforts will pay off.
Be mature and kind. Even if you have to grit
your teeth, try to say something nice when you
speak to your husband about his family.
Attacking them equates to destroying the base of
who he is. You are his wife and his present
family. Use your life together to love him and
build a solid, respectable relationship. He will
likely choose to spend less time with his
original family.
Know yourself and stay true to who you are in
your beliefs and actions. Do not try to be the
person your sister-in–law wants you to be. Your
husband must have loved the difference in you.
He married you.
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Unmotivated Husband
Dear Gerda:
I’ve been married for 28 years. I am a young
55-year-old who likes to travel a bit and
experience life. My husband doesn’t like to do
much of anything, not even for birthdays and our
anniversary. Nothing I say or do seem to
motivate him. Can you give me any suggestions to
get him going?
It may be a good time to focus on the
earlier part of your love relationship,
including courtship, and try to recapture the
things you once enjoyed together that led you to
decide to spend the rest of your lives together.
First you need to recognize the point in your
marriage when your husband began to experience
this social bankruptcy. When did it begin? What
were the circumstances at the time? Was there
severe stress or a crisis of some type.
You did not mention your husband’s age or
medical history. This lack of social interest
could also be a sign of depression or another
medical problem. I would suggest that you start
with a visit to his primary care provider for a
complete physical. It may be that your husband
is not happy with himself, life, or both. Help
him to identify and verbalize his feelings about
his present situation, his fears, and his
regrets. It may also be a good time look at
intimacy between the two of you. Try some new
and exciting ways to get your husband feeling in
love and sexy again. Ask him what his likes and
dislikes are.
Having parties or other events at home may help
your husband become more social. Try planning a
house party for the next birthday, anniversary,
or favorite sports event. Involve him in the
plans. If finances are available consider using
a caterer so that there will be little burden on
the two of you and you can more readily enjoy
yourselves and interact with your guests.
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Dealing With A Controlling Spouse
Dear Gerda:
Whenever an issue comes up in our relationship,
my husband yells at me, blames me, and tells me
I am immature. He says he wants no discussion. I
do not feel that I can get through to this man
and am considering divorce. Do you have any
advice?
It sounds as if your husband has a constant
need to be right and in control. This could be a
sign of his fear of competition and
confrontation. I am curious as to why the
thought of divorce is your first consideration.
Is there another form of abuse going on? Have
you already sought counseling without
improvement? The yelling and blaming that you
refer to constitute emotional abuse or a severe
case of disrespect for you as both an adult and
his wife. I would recommend reading about abuse
and trying to gain a better understanding of it
and how to recognize it. I also recommend
seeking professional help from a skilled
counselor.
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Problems With Mother
Dear Gerda:
I thought I had a very close relationship with
my mother. Recently, after she had a long stay
in the hospital, I planned to have her stay at
my house until she recuperated fully. The day of
her release from the hospital, she went home
with my sister instead. I was devastated. I had
provided all of my mother’s care up to that
point and her decision to stay with my sister
was never discussed. What went wrong?
It appears that either there is a conflict
in the relationship between you and your sister
or your mother felt the need to “share her care”
and figured you would not be offended by her
choice. Perhaps she loves you both and does not
want to hurt either of you, but sees you as the
one that is more understanding and forgiving. It
is also possible that you are both victims of a
mother who cannot, for whatever reason, maintain
a solid relationship with two people at the same
time. The bottom line is she failed to
communicate with you, and possibly with your
sister as well.
You mentioned that you provided all the care for
your mother up to this point. Why? Where was
your sister the rest of the time? Perhaps your
sister was unable to provide assistance until
your mother left the hospital.
No matter what the situation, since sibling
relationships are usually the longest-lasting
relationships we have, I would encourage you to
make every attempt to maintain and improve your
relationship with your sister. Also approach
your mother in a kind manner when she is feeling
better and inquire as to why she made the choice
she made. In the meantime, your continued
efforts to assist your mother will set an
example of how to love, care for, and appreciate
others.
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Husband Has A Wandering Eye
Dear Gerda:
My husband is constantly looking or staring at
other women or flirting with them, especially if
they look sexy, have a lot of cleavage showing,
are wearing a short skirt, etc. No matter where
we go or what we do, it is the same situation.
It is causing a lot of tension between us.
Whenever I bring it up, he says all men do it
and that I am insecure and jealous. Whenever I
dress that way he doesn’t like it, in fact he
usually makes negative comments and tries to
cover me up. What gives?
Looking is not cheating. Constant looking
and staring, however, are rude and thoughtless
behaviors. To the affected partner, they can
generate feelings of disrespect, anger, and
insecurity. This is in response to the thought
of being considered a lesser woman than the
object of interest. Looking is a primitive trait
and research has shown that men are very visual
by nature. Even a baby tends to look intently at
different and attractive objects.
Speak to your husband about the behavior while
it is happening and tell him how it affects you.
Do not be tempted to compete with the objects of
his interest.
Devise new ways to improve your relationship.
Your husband saw something in you that he loved
which is why he married you and committed to
spending the rest of his life with you.
Rediscover why and try to incorporate it into
your daily love life.
You mention that when you bring up the issue you
are accused of jealousy. I would suggest that
you focus on how his behavior makes you feel
rather than attempting to control him. He cannot
deny your feelings. Emotional withdrawal,
nagging, and/or competing with the objects of
his interest will never solve the problem.
Communicate with your husband to gain some
clarity as to what the looking or staring means
to him.
You partner apparently does not want the type of
woman he looks at for a wife because he makes
negative comments and attempts to cover you up
when you dress that way.
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Partner Who Gives Too Much To Others
Dear Gerda:
My partner is very kind and giving. Sometimes
too much so. He gives things to people and does
things for people, and then complains that
everyone expects him to be the “doer” and that
he never gets anything in return. Why does he
put himself in this position?
Doing for others without feeling appreciated
can be very discouraging and emotionally
draining. It is apparent that your partner needs
acceptance and when his giving is not
reciprocated in gratitude he becomes angry. He
may be feeling insecure and needs approval and
therefore seeks to boost his ego by giving. He
could benefit from coaching which could help him
to develop healthy ego strengths. You could try
to help him to see the pattern and help him to
break the cycle. This may be very difficult,
however; because as an adult it is hard to
believe that we should know and do better. Make
attempts to teach and model self-care behavior
without criticizing. Do not make attempts to
save him or speak negatively about those he
becomes involved with as he will view it as an
attempt to control him.
Teach him how to say no without feeling guilty.
Acknowledge his attempts at protecting self
despite however small the progress may be. By
modeling the behaviors you can teach him how not
to volunteer himself before he thinks through
the cost physically, socially, and financially.
He may need help with anger management skills
because some of his overcompensating and
committing may be an attempt to avoid conflict.
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