Dealing With Being Widowed
Dear Gerda:
I lost my husband to cancer over three years
ago. My friends keep urging me to start
dating, and I would consider it, but I still
have feelings of loss and dating seems too
complicated these days. What do you think is
the best time and the best way for me to
meet someone?
Depending on the quality and the
quantity of years spent in a marital
relationship, many widows experience guilt
and emotional numbness that prevents dating
and finding future love. Research has found
that it is not uncommon for young widows to
have a series of sexual encounters to
validate their ability to love again, while
older widows forge ahead with family
relationships to preserve the family as they
knew it and begin furthering their education
or working harder to secure their financial
future. First make sure you have taken the
time to grieve the loss and review your
present and future goals. Realize that you
have already accomplished building a
successful and lasting relationship despite
the complexity of society. Know that you can
continue to love your husband even when you
are separated by death. The problem may not
be an inability to feel love again, but
guilt at the thought of sharing the love for
your husband with someone else. No one can
replace your husband. But you can continue
to write chapters in the book of your own
life.
It is normal to want another relationship.
We are the product of a relationship and
automatically feel the need to continue the
social connection. If you decide to date,
do it for yourself and not because you are
succumbing to pressures from friends and
other well-wishers. Start by socializing
slowly. Be cautious not to stray too far
from your territory. Look around in your
community or religious organization for
groups of people who share your interests. A
good place to start is with group activities
that have single available males. This way
you will be able to share in activities and
make friends. Should you find you enjoy a
particular person’s company and decide to
date him, proceed with caution to avoid
emotional, financial, and sexual
exploitation. Give yourself permission to be
nervous, and stay true to your reasons for
dating. In preparation for your date tell a
friend where you will be. Transport yourself
to the date; this way you will be able to
leave if you so choose. Pay for your share
of the entertainment to avoid feeling
obligated. In the beginning it is advisable
to choose activities such as the theater or
movies rather than intimate dining; this
helps you avoid the pressures of being asked
for a commitment too early in the
relationship. Avoid singles bars and
excessive alcohol use. Introduce the person
to your social circle and those in your
group activities. This affords you the
opportunity to better get to know your
date’s personality and habits.
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