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Lesbian Partner Is A Flirt  

Dear Gerda:

I am a lesbian female who has been in the same relationship for over 8 years. My partner and I recently joined a sports league together and now she is acting suggestively toward other women in the league. I am angry and jealous. How should I handle this?

First I would suggest that you let your partner know that you are aware of the behavior and how it is affecting you. Sometimes loved ones are not aware that they are making us feel uncomfortable. Voicing your concern will give her the opportunity to become aware of the behavior, and hopefully to implement change. Try not to rationalize the behavior away or vent your feelings on other people. Jealousy is a negative emotion that if not dealt with properly can take over your relationship and violate all boundaries and trust.

Take some time to evaluate yourself and the relationship and try to see what is missing or lacking. Your partner could be feeling unloved by you and may be acting out suggestively with the hope that you will respond lovingly. 

Trouble Coping With Breakup  

Dear Gerda:

I am a 34-year-old gay male who just ended a three-year relationship with a live-in partner. It has only been two weeks since the breakup and my ex is already involved with someone I knew he was interested in. I am having trouble coping with all of this. I am hurt and jealous, and feel rejected. Any kind words or advice would be appreciated.

You are allowing yourself to feel abandoned by your ex. You did not mention the reason for dissolving the relationship. It appears that you were deserted by your partner long before the breakup because he had another love interest while he was still involved with you.

Jealously is not a pleasant emotion. It can alter your mood and judgment, and your perception of other’s motives. Jealously strips you of self. It causes you to hyper- focus on the other person. Jealousy is becoming too much if you if are spending more time thinking about your ex and his new love than you do planning for your own love life.

The truth is that he is not doing anything to you. For whatever reason he has moved on and you need to do the same. Take some time to journey back into the relationship and see where you were in it. What role did you play in the breakup? Were you emotionally unavailable? Were you supportive? Did you communicate? Whatever negative role you played, if any, forgive yourself. You will not be able to make it right for you and your ex, but you will be better for the next relationship.

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