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Codependent Wife
Dear Gerda:
I thought I had a great husband. He has
always given me everything, done errands for
me, cooked for me, and taken me everywhere.
All of sudden he’s telling me to get more
“independent” and doesn’t want to do the
things he’s always done. What’s his problem?
I am concerned why he stopped doing for
you suddenly; normally it is a gradual
process.
In his defense he is probably exhausted from
doing, without the reciprocal reward of
someone doing things for him. What do you do
for him? It would appear that your
dependency on him is no longer meeting the
needs that it once met. It appears that your
husband has spent a great deal of time
pleasing you while possibly losing focus of
his own feelings, thoughts, and desires. Now
they have come into clear view.
It is ironic that you did not question what
is happening to the two of you, but rather
what is wrong with him. It is not to
say that he is without blame. Extensive
bodies of work on codependency have shown
that codependent people are usually fearful
of being abandoned, ignored, or shamed, so
they become keepers of others and reap the
rewards of being needed, powerful, and in
control.
Something must have happened that boosted
your husband’s self esteem and his awareness
that he is deserving of love at a different
level. It could also be that he is
experiencing depression with symptoms of
anhedonia, causing him to lose interest in
activities which once gave him pleasure.
Increased self-esteem could be allowing him
to learn to set healthy boundaries, which
are helping him to set limits. If he has
failed to say how he would like to be
treated, which appears to be the case, it
leaves you wondering what is wrong with him.
You may still have a great husband who is
helping you to develop self-reliance and
insight into the reciprocal nature of
caring. Honoring yourself by doing more will
likely become the springboard from which you
will dive into doing for others. I would
suggest that you do some introspection into
your early life and look at the events and
people that shaped it. Where they
excessively dependent on things or people
outside of themselves? Did they constantly
try to please others? Did they allow other
people to dominate or abuse them?
Increased self-esteem is the cornerstone
from which to start your own journey from
codependency. Rediscovering yourself will
increase your self-knowledge, strengths,
beliefs, and values. Your newfound love for
self will expand, allowing you to love
others in the same manner you would expect
to be loved. In effect, it will allow you to
look more outward than inward; to see and
care about the needs of others and not just
your own. Self-help books on codependency
can help you increase your awareness.
Seeking the help of a counselor may also be
of value to you.
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Husband’s Codependency Disturbs Children
Dear Gerda:
I have been married for 25 years. My wife
doesn’t drive or work. She needs my help
with a lot of things, so I don’t travel or
do much. My children are upset about this
and have told me that I need to live my
life. They don’t seem to understand that I
love her. Why are they angry at me about it?
Your children are wise. They must feel
saddened watching you over-focus on their
mother, while neglecting your own needs, and
perhaps theirs. They may even be being
perceptive, looking ahead at their future
life with their mother should any unforeseen
event become you. Your wife is dependent on
you and it appears that you are enjoying the
benefits of her tremendous need of your
help. This pattern of behavior produces a
distorted love affair that has serious
consequences for both of you.
First, your wife has not been allowed or
encouraged to attain her full adult
potential, which would result in
self-reliance. As you mentioned, she needs
you for a lot of things. She is immobile
without you providing transportation. Lack
of transportation inhibits social
independence for her and possible for her
children. Independent mobility could have
improved the amount and the quality of your
relationship as a couple, allowing you more
time for relaxation together and for sharing
experiences.
Codependency is a serious illness that
causes a decline in several spheres of our
lives. In most cases treatment is required
to understand it and grow through it. To
understand the root cause of your
codependency you may need to look back at
your family of origin, including how they
communicated and responded to each other
needs. Many people struggle with symptoms
of codependency at some point in life. The
difference in your life is the duration and
its affect on your family. You made
reference to your children not recognizing
your undying love for your wife. No doubt
you love your wife, but when you lose sight
of your own desires, thoughts, and feelings
while focused on pleasing or helping others,
then love takes second place. We can’t truly
love anyone if we do not love ourselves. The
illness in codependency becomes evident when
we take more responsibility for other
peoples thoughts, needs, and feelings than
our own emotions and actions.
You may need to be the one who takes the
lead in this healing process. The thought of
change could be terrifying for your wife.
Twenty-five years of dependent conditioning
requires patience, willingness, commitment,
and time to change. There are many resources
available that can guide you on how to
change from exhibiting codependent behaviors
to developing a healthy, productive,
reciprocal relationship. Self-help books may
provide some insight; individual or
codependent group therapy may also be useful
to you.
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